Ladybugs
Today was a good day. I had lunch with a friend of mine. It was a great afternoon. Yesterday I had found a ladybug on the wall. It was very symbolic. Then today at lunch I was just attacked by ladybugs. It 'bout made me cry. Ladybugs.
I can see some light now. It's glorious!! I feel almost back to me. Back to that love of me. It's a good feeling. Therapy is helping. I'm coming to terms. I'm not healed or anything. It's a slow process. But it's good. I'm good.
Yeah.
have a happy thanksgiving.
Spinning
My mind is swirling with thoughts I can't comprehend. I'm lost, confused, scared, and tired. I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up in the morning. I don't want to deal with people. I'm like the diseased dirty ex mistress. I'll infect the general public with this gloom. I don't want to be around normal people. They'll see right thru me eventually and say I faked it the whole time. I'm nobody to be interested in. I'm not a whole person. I'm fragments of what people want me to be. I'm a conglomeration of others' imaginations. That's the only thing I know about me anymore. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know how to dream any longer. I don't know what I dreamed for to begin with. I don't know where to start to feel something. I don't know why I should be here. Is God this mean? Why do I have to have options? Options I can't see. I see two options. Keep waking up and cry and be confused and cry somemore. Or stay in bed and cry and sleep and maybe if I sleep enough I become lethargic enough to not have to get up.
I'm gonna go cry. And try to sleep for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Lovely
This last weekend was wonderful. I skipped classes on Friday, hung out in Bricktown for a few hours. I then traversed north to Stilly, where the weekend was great. Josh and a friend of his, Tyler came into town Thursday night. Katie came in on Friday night. Lots of talking and lots of drinks later Sunday came. I'm not putting any details. Mainly because they are mostly forgotten. I did say a lot of drinks. But it was fun. I needed that.
I don't want to sound needy, but I need somebody. Somebody to love and somebody to love me. Yeah sure I have unconditional love from my family, but I've never been in love. Nor had anyone in love with me. Like, sure. Lust, well look at me. How can they not? But love? Why not me? You're still young. That's what I keep hearing. Why can't the young have love? I am young, but I've had only one boyfriend in my life. It lasted a month.
Things are blurry now, too. God, I need to think. I need to cry. Dammit. I miss having friends. Friends that are around for more than parties. Friends that want to know me, not sleep with me. I want relationships with people other than myself. I want to trust. I don't want to be lonely any more.
Monday
So Monday was a good day. I smiled. It was more than a smile. It was a smile I couldn't hide. Forget why I smiled. It was one of those moments that before I would've forced myself to not smile because of its cause. But Monday I smiled, acknowledged the smile and didn't suppress it. Then I went to work and it was a struggle to smile but I did get in a couple laughs that weren't forced. So all in all, Monday was a good day.
Yesterday, wasn't a bad day. But it wasn't great. The fam went to Cattlemen's for Ray's birthday. Happy Birthday Dad! They have the best steaks ever cooked. It's good. So while there was nothing spectacular happening, it couldn't be counted as a bad day. But it did set the stage for today.
Today's not bad, but it can't be counted good. Today I do feel depressed and ready to quit, but it's not overwhelming. So it's not good, but not bad either. I'm hoping this medicine I'm taking takes effect soon. But I know I have to wait 4 weeks before I see anything. So maybe around my birthday I'll be able to tell.
Speaking of, I only have 21 days til I turn 21. Hehehehe. I'm ready.
I changed my mind
I changed my mind. I'm not going to stop this. If anyone wants to be critical of the things Iwrite and make my thoughts and feelings invalid then that is his/her problem. While it hurts very much, it is something that you as a reader need to examine in yourself. This is not meant to be an invite for attack, so please do not use it as such.
So a little update for everyone. I was going to wait a bit longer before writing again, but given that today seems to be a day that I'm not going to break down and cry at the drop of a pin, I'm writing today and quickly before that feeling returns.
I've recently discovered what could be the cause of all this negative thought and energy. Dysthymia. I know. Long word. Or hard to pronounce rather. Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression. That's right. I'm depressed. As if you couldn't figure that out by reading any of this. Luckily, having this site actually helped me figure out that it might be something a bit more serious than just being down every now and then. I looked at the symptoms. Yep have that. Experienced that. So that's what that was. Then I looked at the likelihood that's. Have that too. Yeah that was last week. So then I looked at the stats. I fit everyone of those descriptions. Yep that one's me. So with the help of another, I have diagnosed myself with this crippling but not terminal illness. You can google it and find out all the information you need to know.
The last 2 days have been a blur. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. And I had 2 tests to study for. Not good. I felt like I just needed to be in an isolated place given meaningless tasks to perform i.e. basket-weaving, snowflake cutting. I've felt useless, in a daze, completely confused, hopeless. And not for the good reasons. I've needed some sort of break for a while now, and since I can't get one.....I'm making one. Permanently. I've dropped a class this semester. A class I really enjoyed, but for some reason couldn't get better than a D on any test. I'm not taking anymore than 12 hours a semester, which means I won't graduate 'til o 2039 but ya know whatever. I'm also cutting back my hours at work. I am working so much I might as well be a full time employee rather than the part timer that I technically am. I'm tired; my body knows it. It's been acting up in ways that make me think the doctor is nothing more than a snot wiper. This whole revelation explains so much. I'm just glad I found it. It also scares me. Read for yourself.
OK I knew the tears wouldn't stay away for long. I'm going to go cry now.
back to silence
so since I only get yelled at for the things i write on this site, i won't write much on it anymore. hm...i'm sensing a pattern. i try to express what i'm feeling, write a few things down, get criticized for my feeling that way, and almost become a recluse in my writing. so........no more to very little on this site. bye to all.
So i had a million things running thru my head that i was going to write about and i've forgotten every single one of them. i wanna cry. i feel something is going to make me break down at any second and cry. but so far nothing and then i remember i have no reason to cry. these dead spots of my life are just so boring. do remember as a kid when everything was new? everything you'd see, feel , learn, touch, all of it was something new. when did that go away? i love/d new experiences, learning new things, feeling something for the first time. now it just seems that there is nothing new. my mind, body, heart all hurt. I'm tired. i want to sleep. just sleep. i give up. i'm done.
