Seize The Carp

Boys are Dense!!

I'm lonely. I mean lonely! Let's back track...Wade and I broke up 2 and a half months ago. Three weeks after that Lori moved. Three weeks after that Arianna moved out. I've physically lost three very important people to me. Granted, only two are still important to me, but that's besides the point. The point is I no longer have my urban family. They've moved on to new places in their lives. In a way I'm jealous, but I know my jealousy is futile. I know I'm where I'm suppoesed to be right now. I have one more year 'til I graduate. I'm only going to be here for another year. But if I don't have an urban family to keep company with through that year, I'm going to be really lonely.

I think that's where I'm making my mistakes with Michael. I'm looking for companionship and wanting him to fill that void, rather than really assessing where we are and just being fine with that. I've let myself be confused about guys. I know better than that. I was raised like a guy; they shouldn't be confusing to me.

So why am I acting like a stupid girl? Why am I treating my being single like some awful disease I have? I don't feel like that strong, independant, woman that I know I am. I feel weak, dependant, sad, and unwanted. I don't want to play games. I know I should be playing hard to get. But I would rather be hard to get than just playing it. Easier said than done, especially when my companions are in different states.

I don't recognize me anymore. What am I doing wrong? Why isn't Michael seeing how great I am? Why didn't Wade? What am I not showing? What? I don't feel like the happy-go-lucky person that flirted and had fun with everybody. I think I need some vitamins. Maybe that'll help a little bit.

For now, I'm done worrying and waiting. We're not exclusive, hell we barely know each other. Time to move on...if he wants me, he's gonna have to work.

posted by Unknown @ 07:46