Seize The Carp

Rocker

First and foremost I am very happy with my life.
I think I really am destined to be the old lady with cats. The embittered old crazy lady who sits on her front porch with a whiskey in her hand cussin' at those young whippersnappers. Alisha is engaged to be engaged, as is Arianna. Lori's leaving me for Mexico. Talin's about ready to burst with a baby, while I am unwanted.
I've spent my whole life single. I never had boyfriends growing up, in high school, etc... Both relationships I have had since then were short. The first only a month, and the last 3 months. The last only ended 4 weeks ago. That's the recommended time to full recovery, right? I am over him. But I'm not over being unwanted. That hurts, you know? Yes, I know he's not the one for me; I knew that while we were dating. But I wanted a relationship. Because like I mentioned earlier, I've been single my whole life.
I've got the alone part of life down. I mean solid. And I like my life, but I do feel that something is missing. I love myself pretty unconditionally. I know I am as complete as I can be at 21. I'm looking for a companion, not my other half. I'm looking for someone who will share their life with me, not complete me.
Maybe I am still a hopeless romantic. Did I really ever give up that notion that romance is needed? When I was younger, I heard both sides of fairy tales. You know the mushy aw.....that's what I want and the feminist new age versions. I identified with both. I thought I could have both in my life. Now I'm starting to question that.
My cousins a while back put breeder standards on me. I was told I couldn't bring anyone home unless they met these standards. They were mostly physical features, but a couple lifestyle checks in there. I kinda laughed them off, but really took it seriously. For awhile, I wouldn't even give a guy a chance to talk to me unless he met every single criteria. I got burned. There are amazingly, a lot of guys who meet that description. I just seemed to find the assholes.
Then I met Wade. I wasn't attracted to him at first. We worked together so we got to know each other. I liked who I was around him. I was kinda talking to about 3 other guys when I realized I didn't put up any fronts around Wade like I did with the others. That shook me. What did that mean??? We started as friends and have tried the friends thing now. I know he wants to be my friend, but I don't think I can yet. It's not 'cause when I'm around him I want to be with him. It's cause I'm reminded about all the times we made love. He was my first lover. I'm reminded that he doesn't want me. I can't do that just yet. I need more time.
I wonder, we spend all this time waiting, searching for the one person with whom we're supposed to spend the rest our lives. Do we eventually find him/her? Or do we become so exhausted from searching that we settle? People are brought into our lives for reasons unbeknownst to us. Are they sent just to pass the time until we just get tired of being bombarded with new? What about the adventurer like me who craves newness and change constantly? Am I really destined to be the old lady with cats??? Are those ladies the ones who got exhausted and never found their one? Are the cats a sick twisted joke? I have a lot of questions. Where are my answers? I'm running out of patience.
I'm afraid now to start a new relationship with anybody. It's not just the hurt that scares me; it is the knowledge of being unwanted, yet again. I could look at it like a business. Donny Duetcsh(sp) says we must not be afraid to fail. If we don't know what failure is, how do we know what success is? That could be an interesting take on love. I'm just not bounced back yet. I don't know when I will be bounced back. I wish I did. I do still want to be in a relationship. But I don't want to waste my time and energy on someone if they're not the one. Why should I give my best to someone who's going to break my heart. If I give myself, I don't get it back. I have to rebuild myself entirely, and it's a different outcome each rebuild. Why would someone want a me that's reworked and polished and reworked again and barely recognizable? Why wouldn't the other person want me in the raw form? Wholely, fully, untouched, unbridled, unbroken, unwritten. Or does each rebuild leave me with a better vessel, a better communication than before? I haven't found the evidence for this one yet.

Until next time, I do hope your search goes better than mine is. Please don't buy, steal, or borrow any cats for me. I'm ok with out them for now.

posted by Unknown @ 07:41