What's Wrong?
Come. Step into my world. It's a little crowded. People are everywhere. Smiling, havin a great time. Birds are singing. The sun is shining. Why am I not? Why am I lonely? I fell like those cheesy commercials for Paxil or depression studies. You know the ones that ask you 3 questions about your lifestyle and if you answer yes to all three than you might be suffering from long horrible sounding name for nothing and you should ask your doctor about this numb-all miracle drug.
What's wrong with me? I don't smile anymore and I feel it everyday. I've tried the forced smile that is supposed to just forcibly lighten one's mood. It didn't work. Or it hasn't worked yet.
I need/want to cry. But I can't. There's nothing that deserves tears. Crying doesn't solve anything.
On top of that I'm so completely hurt. I know I shouldn't complain, but it hurts. There are times that being a goodlooking person really hurts. Sure it provides for a lot of attention and don't get me wrong, I like attention. But this attention is directed not nessicarily towards me. Just my body and appearance. It's so shallow. It's not fake, but it's not full, either. It sucks. My death by chocolate with disappointing nuts continues. I'm surrounded by people and lonely.
What's wrong with me?
About Me
So I've been in training for work these last two days. Part of the training is DiSC. It is like a true colors type of profiling but much more detailed. One can be a D, i, S, or C. I am an i. Not only am I an i; I am inspirational.
So what does that mean? Inspirational people can be charming in their interactions. They are persuasive when obtaining assistance for repetative and time-consuming details. Peole often experience a conflicting sensation by feeling drawn to Inspirational people and yet being curiously distanced. Others may feel "used" by Inspirational persons' manipulation powers. They are astute at identifying and manipulating an individual's existing motives in order to direct that person's behavior toward a predetermined end.
At one point in my life I knew this but never really embraced it. I had recently forgotten this also. I had forgotten myself. This class couldn't have come at a better time. I'm almost back to my normal self. I went back and read my old blogsite
http://oyeahirock.blogspot.com and remembered my love affair this summer. My love affair with myself and the tomato that is. I've made some friends which is always good. The guy front is still empty with none even on the horizon but I now remember that I'm manipulative and that this emptiness is ok. Cause I can still get what I want......whatever that may be.
But the good news is I'm better. I have more confidence in my ability at work.
I'm happier!!!!
Smorgasborg
So I had quite a bit to write about. But I forgot what. So then I remembered oh yeah I took notes on that stuff. So I looked at the notes, and I don't wanna write any of that. I'm past it all. Kinda. I'm still feeling a little down. But it's not as bad as it was I guess. I don't know what happened to lessen it but it really doesn't matter what it was. I'm still so tired. I don't eat anymore, so that makes me tired too. I've about decided not to move out of the 'rents house yet. I still have no money after this summer. Sure, it gets annoying living with em and feeling like I'm not growing as a person, and still depending on mommy and daddy, but it's "smart." It is smart. 'Cause I'm smart. Oh well.
My aunt made a comment I guess about a week ago that I don't smile anymore. I don't. I have no reason really to smile. I have no reason to frown. But still no reason to smile. I'm gonna go take a nap. I'll try and write more later....
Yeah
So I guess I should write something. But I've been so tired lately. I've taken some notes on life and have every intention of writting about them. But I've been so tired. I never seem to be completely awake at anytime in the day. And I think I'm kinda depressed too. I don't wanna do anything. I'm not finding any thing in life to look forward to. Nothing excites me any more. I'm just down and don't want to do anything. So...I'll try to write later. I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Don't touch my Willie!!
Ok so who wants to go to Willie and Family with me on the 15th? That's right the Red Headed Stranger is coming to town with none other than Jerry Jeff Walker among others. So who wants to go with me???? No really. Cmon people. Come with me.
Today's a weird day. It's actually been a weird few days. I haven't seemed like myself. I've just been out of it. Whatever it is. Lately when I go to sleep I'm freezing cold, can't get warm, and then I wake up sweating and still can't get warm. So last night I turned my fan on. Even tho it's freezing, cause I'm thinking that sometime in the night, I get really hot and start this sweating thing so maybe this will help. It didn't. There was no difference in my sleep or my waking up. Now this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I think I've even wrote about it before. But the fact that it still persists bothers me. It's not exactly something you go to the doctor for. I mean I feel fine during the day with the exception of those wonderful allergies and Aunt Flo. Which by the way doesn't seem to be an onset either. But I think the thing that really bothers me is that when I do wake up, my heart is racing like I just had a nightmare (and my dreams are fairly pleasant). I feel stressed and worn and I just woke up. I've been sleeping, what could've stressed me out then? Was there so much stress from the day before that 8 hours of sleep doesn't relieve it? I don't feel stressed during the day at all. Not at work or even driving. Is my body sending out warning signals? I mean I'm only 20. What kind of major health problems could I have? I'm baffled if ya couldn't tell.
On another note, I think I might have to actually get involved on campus. This school and others for that matter(but the others don't effect me) have to do something about commuters and cancelled classes. Yes weather is one thing, and most if not all know when classes are cancelled then. But what about when the professor just can't make it? They have to call and tell someone they can't make it. So why not implement a system that will allow commuters to save gas rather than drive to the one class that day, waste of a class anyway. We are so technologically connnected to everyone and their dog that this really should be easy. But I know. Everything takes money. Use my Student Technology Fee to help pay for that. Which brings me to another problem I have with this school: Parking. Parking seems to be one of the largest problems on any campus. Mostly because students are lazy and want convenient parking. I could careless about needing a place close to the door. I'd rather just park a ways away than spend 10 min driving around looking for a convenient spot. But here people aren't circling for a convenient spot, no they're circling for a spot period. So I see no reason to pay the $85 fee for a parking permit when one has to park across the street from campus anyway. I don't own a permit. I park across the street from the one building where all my classes are. Except when I go to my night class. I found a loophole. Or so I thought, til I got a ticket last night. The sign at the parking lot says:
Commuter Parking
With valid UCO
parking permit 7am-3pm
Multipurpose Parking
3pm-7am
It doesn't say multipurpose with permit it just says mulitpurpose. I've parked there for my night class because it's "smart" and not received a ticket all semester til last night. I'm not taking anyone's place. After 3pm, campus is dead anyway. So I was a little shocked to see a ticket on my windshield. I'm appealing it. Probably to no avail but I'm fighting anyway. But the snakiest thing of all, is #3 on the information list. This is so wrong. 3)Permit holders are not guaranteed a place to park on campus. The parking permit gives the owner of the permit the right to park in an authorized space if and where parking space is available. Parking is not guaranteed near or convenient to campus buildings. That's so wrong. The lady at the office told me that if I wanted to buy a permit she could waive the ticket. How does that help me? I lose money either way. I need to get a picture of the sign before they change it and put it with my claim. UCO is most definately glorified high school. I've said that before. But the general attitude on campus is so strangled. The school's "politics" are conservative. Nothing wrong with that. Except that I find myself thinking more and more liberal just to fight 'the man.' When the students get screwed on something, like parking, there is a passive reaction. No equal and opposite reaction like there's supposed to be according to the rules of life occurs. Why? WHY?
I'll tell you why. Edmond. For those that live around here know what I'm talking about. There are different breeds of Barbie in Edmond. It is the picturesque, botox and silicone filled, large house, 3 cars, 3 kids, gated communities that is so near Stepford it's scary. Anyone who grew up around here knows that everyone knows an edmond kid and resents them. They are the quintessential rich kids who know nothing and complain of everything. Everything is just so plastic and fake. And for some reason I can't wait to move in.
So I figured out my problem of some of the previous posts. My problem is me. I know, I know. No one likes admiting that. I don't like it either, but maybe now I'm on my way to recovery. I don't let anyone get close. I don't give myself the chance that I want someone to take on me. I've got a million excuses why too. Reason number one, I'm "smart." I go home rather than go out after work. I read my texts. I feel so exhausted by then end of the week that I'd rather go to sleep by 10:30 than go out and drive the 20 minutes home. Remember, I'm "smart." I haven't felt this confused since middle school.
I'm getting that itchy feeling again too. That I can't just stay put feeling. That urge to run away to some place new. I think it's part of that sweating stressed thing. I feel I have to just get in the car and drive somewhere, anywhere. I don't care where. But that requires money I don't have. Time off from work that I don't have. And a break from school that I don't have. Fall break I have work. If I don't have work I have classes to study for. Teachin sure does sound good, with the summers off and all. But what happens when I need to just get away then. Is it going to be like this all my life? My arms are sore from flapping, and my ankles hurt from the rope tying me to this rock. I can feel the wind wanting to take me some where and my head and my heart are going but my feet stay grounded.
So until next time.
Yep This Is Me
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
