Seize The Carp

I changed my mind

I changed my mind. I'm not going to stop this. If anyone wants to be critical of the things Iwrite and make my thoughts and feelings invalid then that is his/her problem. While it hurts very much, it is something that you as a reader need to examine in yourself. This is not meant to be an invite for attack, so please do not use it as such.

So a little update for everyone. I was going to wait a bit longer before writing again, but given that today seems to be a day that I'm not going to break down and cry at the drop of a pin, I'm writing today and quickly before that feeling returns.

I've recently discovered what could be the cause of all this negative thought and energy. Dysthymia. I know. Long word. Or hard to pronounce rather. Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression. That's right. I'm depressed. As if you couldn't figure that out by reading any of this. Luckily, having this site actually helped me figure out that it might be something a bit more serious than just being down every now and then. I looked at the symptoms. Yep have that. Experienced that. So that's what that was. Then I looked at the likelihood that's. Have that too. Yeah that was last week. So then I looked at the stats. I fit everyone of those descriptions. Yep that one's me. So with the help of another, I have diagnosed myself with this crippling but not terminal illness. You can google it and find out all the information you need to know.

The last 2 days have been a blur. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. And I had 2 tests to study for. Not good. I felt like I just needed to be in an isolated place given meaningless tasks to perform i.e. basket-weaving, snowflake cutting. I've felt useless, in a daze, completely confused, hopeless. And not for the good reasons. I've needed some sort of break for a while now, and since I can't get one.....I'm making one. Permanently. I've dropped a class this semester. A class I really enjoyed, but for some reason couldn't get better than a D on any test. I'm not taking anymore than 12 hours a semester, which means I won't graduate 'til o 2039 but ya know whatever. I'm also cutting back my hours at work. I am working so much I might as well be a full time employee rather than the part timer that I technically am. I'm tired; my body knows it. It's been acting up in ways that make me think the doctor is nothing more than a snot wiper. This whole revelation explains so much. I'm just glad I found it. It also scares me. Read for yourself.

OK I knew the tears wouldn't stay away for long. I'm going to go cry now.

posted by Unknown @ 10:29