I'm done!
Yeah....I'm done. I'm done hoping. I'm done waiting. I'm just done.
I know life isn't easy, but damnit!!! Why doesn't anybody want me? I don't know how to make me happy anymore.
Why does my heart have to hurt?
Boys are Dense!!
I'm lonely. I mean lonely! Let's back track...Wade and I broke up 2 and a half months ago. Three weeks after that Lori moved. Three weeks after that Arianna moved out. I've physically lost three very important people to me. Granted, only two are still important to me, but that's besides the point. The point is I no longer have my urban family. They've moved on to new places in their lives. In a way I'm jealous, but I know my jealousy is futile. I know I'm where I'm suppoesed to be right now. I have one more year 'til I graduate. I'm only going to be here for another year. But if I don't have an urban family to keep company with through that year, I'm going to be really lonely.
I think that's where I'm making my mistakes with Michael. I'm looking for companionship and wanting him to fill that void, rather than really assessing where we are and just being fine with that. I've let myself be confused about guys. I know better than that. I was raised like a guy; they shouldn't be confusing to me.
So why am I acting like a stupid girl? Why am I treating my being single like some awful disease I have? I don't feel like that strong, independant, woman that I know I am. I feel weak, dependant, sad, and unwanted. I don't want to play games. I know I should be playing hard to get. But I would rather be hard to get than just playing it. Easier said than done, especially when my companions are in different states.
I don't recognize me anymore. What am I doing wrong? Why isn't Michael seeing how great I am? Why didn't Wade? What am I not showing? What? I don't feel like the happy-go-lucky person that flirted and had fun with everybody. I think I need some vitamins. Maybe that'll help a little bit.
For now, I'm done worrying and waiting. We're not exclusive, hell we barely know each other. Time to move on...if he wants me, he's gonna have to work.
Life is Good!
Where do I start? So much has happened in my life since I last wrote, I don't know where to begin. Ok, I'll start here then.
I haven't heard from the previously mentioned fellow since our shindig a month ago.
Things have progressed quite nicely with the guy I was kinda talking to. We went out bowling last night with some friends and had a wonderful night. I mean, a fantasmagoric night. I'm still so completely smitten with this guy. He's kind of quiet, shy, and reserved, yet funny, sarcastic, and totally into me. He's polite, not pushy, measured, yet straightforward, adventurous and a bit of a daredevil. We're going out again tonight. I'm a little excited, to say the least.
Another note. I have 31 hours before I graduate!!! 31!!! I got hit with the real world a while ago. I realized that I'm going to be graduating soon and I have no clue what I'm going to be doing after that. I don't want to still be working for the bank; I want to out my degree to use, but because I'm not and education major I would have to be alternatively certified and that would take two year experience as well as the degree. So I decided what I'm going to do.
I'm joining the Peace Corps. I don't know where I'll be going, but I know I'll be doing some good for this world. I'll be using all my inate abilities and learned skills to make this world a better place. I'm very stoked about this. I'm going to go live in a third world country for 2 years!!!
I guess that's it for now. Enjoy your time here.
Update of Sorts
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet, right?? She wants that element of surprise, the spontanaity, the offer she just can't say no to. Right?
I used to think so. Maybe it's this time of year, I don't know. Almost a year ago I had a friend propose to me. Not the kind of proposal a friend makes either. It wasn't the if neither of us are married by the time we're this age, then we get married type. It was, "Elyse, will you marry me?" I was shocked and taken aback to say the least. That fits the aforementioned criteria. I changed the subject. Nothing was ever said about it again.
Last week, a friend came into town and wanted to meet up. I was having a shindig so I invited him. The night progresses and he tells me that timing has been a bitch before and that he knows he took our friendship for granted. He wants me to come out to where he lives, and he knows I'm who he's supposed to spend the rest of his life with. Again, fits the aforementioned criteria. This friend could've been a distinct possiblity, but I couldn't answer. How could I answer? It was so arbitrary.
I'm sort of dating someone at the moment. We're not together, but we're both interested. I want to see where things go with this guy. I'm smitten. I'm impressed. What's another word that means the same as the first two? I'm that! But things between us are moving slow. A kind of slow that I'm not used to. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but I'm still not used to it. With the proclaimation I received this weekend though, I got confused and felt things should hurry. But I decided against that. No reason to let something that doesn't have to do with him speed things up.
Besides, I haven't heard from the other guy since coffee the next day. He has to prove himself.
Why does a girl have to have options? My life is very much like a TV show right now. If you've been watching Grey's Anatomy, you've been watching my life. I'm the dark and twisty one.
Oh! Another update! We have a roommate to take Awesome's place. He was moving some things in yesterday, and his mom was helping him. I showed his mom around the house, and she asked me if we would want a cat!! I think I said no a little too harshly. Is it so obvious that there will be cats in my future that complete strangers want to give me cats now??
I'm done! I need to do research. Maybe that will keep me from going insane.
Ruth 1:16-17
But Ruth replied,"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death seperates you and me."
Context: Ruth is replying to Naomi who is her mother in law.
A friend once told me this verse was how she felt for me. It meant a lot knowing I had a friend that was there no matter where my life leads me. I thank her for her friendship.
But now with Lori leaving me, I truely feel the heart of these words. I have felt companionship. For the first time I know what it is to let someone you love go and feel sadness and joy at the same time. To feel so overwhelmed with emotion that words can't explain it. Only tears and hugs. So while I may not physically be with you, my heart will never turn its back nor will it ever leave your side. I Love You!!!
In other news...The FLips were AWESOME!!!! I mean fantasmagoric!!! Beautiful! I love the creativity!!
Oh....I'm smitten. I had a great date last night. The fair is nothing special this year, but I still had fun. and I got a little lion. It was sweet. I'm not used to someone who is not forward. I like it.
Minimum
Once again I find myself with a million thoughts in my head and no articulation. I should be doing a million other things as well, but I find it essential to waste time writing nothing on an internet blog.
I am in love. What!?!?!!? Again!?!?!?! It's not really again. It's more like still. I've just been recently reminded of it. I'm in love with me and my life. Not conceitedly. But fully. I no longer feel like dog shit warmed up twice and then lit on fire to be stomped out. I feel happy again.
I am growing into a me that I like. I am embracing my nerdness. Since I don't have TV, it's easier to study. What's more is I like it, and I'm not afraid to tell friends I can't go out because I have to study. I don't even make it sound like a hassle any more. I'm excited about studying. My God I Am A Nerd!!! and I love it.
I recently passed on a bit of advice that is some of the best given to me. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I'm accepting that again. O and don't go kissing frogs just cause he's there and you're searching for the princely one. You still need to be selective. Always follow your heart. o yeah another proverb: Whoever thinks his head is smarter than his heart isn't very smart at all.
ok that was all a little bit of rambling. I'll stop and get back to my reading. I've got to find a direction for this paper.
All or Nothing
I've come to realize I am an all or nothing kind of gal. I do things fully, whole-heartedly, with all of my being, or not at all. This isn't my action in just certain situations though. This is everything. Especially love. I give of myself entirely. If the other person thinks he only has part of me, he truely has nothing. On the other hand, I can probably be overwhelming for those who get me fully and wholely.
That being said I join the rest of the world in the search for soulmate, companion. I'm ready to dive back in. I want a relationship. However, I don't want to lead anybody on. I'm done with games. I don't want to go back to that. I know honesty is best, but I'm afraid honesty will hurt. I don't want to hurt anybody. I've been hurt; I don't want to put anybody through that.
There have been recent developments. We'll see how things pan out. No hopes, no expectations. Just honesty.
Rocker
First and foremost I am very happy with my life.
I think I really am destined to be the old lady with cats. The embittered old crazy lady who sits on her front porch with a whiskey in her hand cussin' at those young whippersnappers. Alisha is engaged to be engaged, as is Arianna. Lori's leaving me for Mexico. Talin's about ready to burst with a baby, while I am unwanted.
I've spent my whole life single. I never had boyfriends growing up, in high school, etc... Both relationships I have had since then were short. The first only a month, and the last 3 months. The last only ended 4 weeks ago. That's the recommended time to full recovery, right? I am over him. But I'm not over being unwanted. That hurts, you know? Yes, I know he's not the one for me; I knew that while we were dating. But I wanted a relationship. Because like I mentioned earlier, I've been single my whole life.
I've got the alone part of life down. I mean solid. And I like my life, but I do feel that something is missing. I love myself pretty unconditionally. I know I am as complete as I can be at 21. I'm looking for a companion, not my other half. I'm looking for someone who will share their life with me, not complete me.
Maybe I am still a hopeless romantic. Did I really ever give up that notion that romance is needed? When I was younger, I heard both sides of fairy tales. You know the mushy aw.....that's what I want and the feminist new age versions. I identified with both. I thought I could have both in my life. Now I'm starting to question that.
My cousins a while back put breeder standards on me. I was told I couldn't bring anyone home unless they met these standards. They were mostly physical features, but a couple lifestyle checks in there. I kinda laughed them off, but really took it seriously. For awhile, I wouldn't even give a guy a chance to talk to me unless he met every single criteria. I got burned. There are amazingly, a lot of guys who meet that description. I just seemed to find the assholes.
Then I met Wade. I wasn't attracted to him at first. We worked together so we got to know each other. I liked who I was around him. I was kinda talking to about 3 other guys when I realized I didn't put up any fronts around Wade like I did with the others. That shook me. What did that mean??? We started as friends and have tried the friends thing now. I know he wants to be my friend, but I don't think I can yet. It's not 'cause when I'm around him I want to be with him. It's cause I'm reminded about all the times we made love. He was my first lover. I'm reminded that he doesn't want me. I can't do that just yet. I need more time.
I wonder, we spend all this time waiting, searching for the one person with whom we're supposed to spend the rest our lives. Do we eventually find him/her? Or do we become so exhausted from searching that we settle? People are brought into our lives for reasons unbeknownst to us. Are they sent just to pass the time until we just get tired of being bombarded with new? What about the adventurer like me who craves newness and change constantly? Am I really destined to be the old lady with cats??? Are those ladies the ones who got exhausted and never found their one? Are the cats a sick twisted joke? I have a lot of questions. Where are my answers? I'm running out of patience.
I'm afraid now to start a new relationship with anybody. It's not just the hurt that scares me; it is the knowledge of being unwanted, yet again. I could look at it like a business. Donny Duetcsh(sp) says we must not be afraid to fail. If we don't know what failure is, how do we know what success is? That could be an interesting take on love. I'm just not bounced back yet. I don't know when I will be bounced back. I wish I did. I do still want to be in a relationship. But I don't want to waste my time and energy on someone if they're not the one. Why should I give my best to someone who's going to break my heart. If I give myself, I don't get it back. I have to rebuild myself entirely, and it's a different outcome each rebuild. Why would someone want a me that's reworked and polished and reworked again and barely recognizable? Why wouldn't the other person want me in the raw form? Wholely, fully, untouched, unbridled, unbroken, unwritten. Or does each rebuild leave me with a better vessel, a better communication than before? I haven't found the evidence for this one yet.
Until next time, I do hope your search goes better than mine is. Please don't buy, steal, or borrow any cats for me. I'm ok with out them for now.
What's Going On?
So I saw I hadn't written anything in a while. Ok I hadn't even looked at this site since the last post, but I thought it would be a god time to do a little update of sorts.
Sundays have got to be my favorite day of the week. I'm serious. Sundays are when I have nothing to do. I can spend all frickin day doing whatever it is I want. I have no obligations, no to do lists, just chill. I mean, Sundays started being my favorite day of the week because of the Sunday night line-up. Desperate Housewives then Boston Legal. Then it became DH then Grey's Anatomy. Then I got so conflicted between GA and Big Love. I mean how is one supposed to choose between cute doctors and polygamist mormons. But now that I don't have TV it really doesn't matter. Sundays are still my favorite day.
My friend Wade is now my boyfriend Wade, another reason my life is pert near perfect right now. I couldn't imagine a better life than what I'm living right now.
Sunny Sunday
So it's a sunny sunday today. A most beautiful day. I've had absolutely nothing to do. So I got caught up on some homework, read a little for pleasure, watched a movie, took a nap. It's been just a splendid day spent by myself. I needed a day without too many people. Don't get me wrong, I love people. But somedays I just need to be with me. A couple conversations with my roommates is alright, but they see that I'm enjoying the day.
Last night, Lori and I went to this coffee shop in Bricktown that my friend Wade introduced me to. It's a cool little place and we've made friends with a couple, ok most, of the people that work there. It was such a laid back night. We watched as a 4 young 20 somethings tried to save the souls of those waiting to get in to CityWalk. It was quite amusing. I wanted to get up on a soap box next to him and start shaking my head in agreement to gain his trust of course and then proceed to defend those in line. But I thought better of it. I was cold and didn't want to move. I know, no excuse for shying away from a good debate, but my company was not of the encouraging kind, and I did not want to be bothersome. That and were I to say anything of importance it would be in hypocrasy. If I were to attack these people for their attacks on the 'lost souls,' I would be no better than them. So I said a short and sweet, possibly sarcastic, prayer for bible beating baptists. What else could I do?
I think that's all. I've waned long enough on the problems of the house. I need not retell them. So I leave you with a final thought, yes just like Jerry Springer.
Ecclesiastes 9:7 Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart.
Oh yes--God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Lately
Not much is going on lately. Iwas kinda sorta dating this guy and he just fell off the face of the earth. I know I thought gravity existed too. But I guess Sir Newton was wrong. I like swinging. There is nothing like it in all the world. It's just a great feeling.
Cloud 9
I'm on Cloud 9. Yesterday was an absolutely fantabulous day. First, I got asked out on a date before noon. Second, my high school alma mater won to get into the championship game, Congrats. Third, my Larry Joe Taylor ticket arrived in the mail!!!!! Then I got to work with Sparky. Lastly, I had a wonderful date. God bless the boys whose momma taught 'em right.
Not to mention life is pretty good right now. Things are bright, sunshiny. I'm almost speechless. I have nothing to complain about. I'm just calm and relaxed with a goofy smile on my face. Life is good.
Nothin special
I have nothing special going on. Nothing new, nothing old, just life in general. I haven't felt the need to write on this...I've actually forgotten I had it at times. This blog has no place of importance in my life any longer. I feel that's a good thing. Classes are stressful. Work is fine. Life is good. I got a new bed! It's great. Yeah like I said. Nothing special.
Vegas
It was fun. What happens there, stays there. That's all I gotta say. But it was fun. The wedding was beautiful, and short. I'm going back. Sometime. Classes are intense. I've already spent at least 8 hrs a week at the library researching stuff. I might be transferring jobs. Still with the bank just now in Edmond rather than OKC. It'll save me on gas. Yay! Livin on your own can get expensive. BTW.
